Tuesday, 28 February 2006

Happy Pancake Day

Happy Pancake Day/Pancake Tuesday/Shrove Tuesday/Fat Tuesday/Fettisdagen/Sprengidagur/Tłusty czwartek/Užgavėnės/Vastlapäev/Laskiainen.

From Wikipedia:

"In the Canadian province of Newfoundland, household objects are baked into the pancakes and served to family members. Rings, thimbles, thread, coins, and other objects all have meanings associated with them. The lucky one to find coins in their pancake will be rich, the finder of the ring will be the first married, and the finder of the thimble will be a seamstress or tailor. Children have great fun with the tradition, and often eat more than their fill of pancakes in search of a desired object."

They put choking hazards in their children's food! Just one of the many reasons I love living here. Never a dull moment.


Anybody want to explain this?


Monday, 27 February 2006

The Order of the Boot

Another B3ta Question of the Week. They ask: "Have you ever been sacked?" Yes, I have, but they've already heard it, so I told them about Jesus Paul. Not to be confused with Mad Paul in a subsequent job, who was sacked for EXACTLY the same thing:

I've seen a number of spectacular sackings in my time, but Jesus Paul's was rather special.

Jesus Paul was taken on by the Dole Office as a temp, and he had to send out letters to people who hadn't turned up to sign on, to warn them they wouldn't get any money unless they showed their face pretty sharpish.

It was only after three weeks that we found out he was including a religious leaflet in each missive, and rounding off his letters with an invitation to accept The Lord Jesus into their lives or face the Wrath of God come the End Time. Several replies were received on the subject, saying that the Dole Office might consider "Getting to Fuck".

It was when he started a brawl with a group of claimants ("Do you believe in Jesus?" "No" *THUMP!*) that he was shown the door.

Poor, poor Jesus Paul.

Sunday, 26 February 2006

A Grand Day Out.

I went to Reading t'other day.

I hadn't been there for ages, and had made plans to womble around, do some window shopping, and go *Ooh, clicky!* upon seeing interesting things, and ghosts and so.

I also ventured into the Lingerie department of M&S, to check out the latest designs.

And discovered something there, that was most disturbing indeed...

He swore blind he was picking out something nice for GW.

Yeah. OK, Mr Scary sir. I believe you*


Time criminals!

I must concur with my learned colleague, Mr. ScaryDuck. The released e-fit of the first robber shows a marked resemblance to a certain well known British actor during the 1970s.

Perhaps a bunch of actors have somehow gotten hold of a time machine and are financing the UK film industry by nicking "small change" from the future.

I Fought the Law

Police have released an identikit picture of one of the Tonbridge robbers that made of with 50m pounds from a bank depot guarded, it seems, by the cast of Dad's Army. I can't help thinking the guy they're after looks a bit familiar:


He's currently appearing as a bent copper in the BBC time-travel police drama Life on Mars. I can tell the Old Bill where to find their man: 1973.

Saturday, 25 February 2006

When Irony Goes Bad

Some people are just a complete waste of oxygen, and this grim news story finds yet more people on whom life is utterly wasted. May the Good Lord, in his provenance, see fit to deliver a fresh turd on their doormat every day for a year. But! Check out the cat's name:

A FAMILY who let their pet cat become so ill that its eye was hanging out of its socket for three days have been banned from keeping cats for two years.

Dad Anthony, 61, mum Sylvia, 60, and son Stuart Tomlinson, 31, of Sussex Road, Weymouth, all pleaded guilty at Weymouth Magistrates Court to animal cruelty towards their pet cat Popeye in July and August of last year.

Friday, 24 February 2006

Curling calendar

Worried by hoodie-wearing youths?

Are you worried by gangs of hoodie-wearing youths hanging about the end of your street when all you wanted to do was lawfully go about your business buying a pint of milk from the corner shop?

Are you intimidated by the sight of two young people walking down the road towards you?

Do you live in fear of being mugged by a teenage yob?

Been hassled by a Charver or been the victim of a Happy Slapping?

Well, take my advice. It is a well known fact (of the 100% true variety*) that all teenagers sit in their bedrooms, take drugs and get drunk whilst transfixed by a television programme known as "Buffy The Vampire Slayer". The subliminal messages encoded into the programme by the US government causes the teenage mind to believe wholesale in the existence of vampires.

Thusly, in order to protect yourself from attack by a teenager, you simply wear a pair of false vampire fangs. In the event of an assault, quickly slap a Cornish Pasty** on your forehead, raise your arms in the classic "Nosferatu" style and hiss or growl loudly.

This will shock the aggressor into believing that you have transformed into a bloodthirsty creature of the night and they will scarper.

The only exception to this, of course, is if the aggressor has long, blonde hair, looks kind of cute in a pair of tight trousers and is accompanied by a group of friends wielding a book of magic and a bag of stakes. In this situation, you should relax because these are the "good guys" and will not attack you, unless their eyes flash with, say, evil green fire, which may indicate that they have fallen under some demonic 'fluence. This would be an extremely rare occurrence however.

So, the lesson is to be prepared!

And the best bit is that if you don't get attacked on the way home, you can always eat the pasty in celebration of your survival on the mean streets of today.

*from the British Office of Lies, Liars, Untruths and eXaggerations (BOLLUX for short).
** for absolute authenticity of disguise, a Devon Pasty should be used, as the crimp is on the top. Do not attempt to use a Mars Bar or other ridged chocolate product in place of a bakery item, as this will only make you look a little bit like a Klingon and invite a challenge of "Kupla!" from any sad, single mid-thirties/early forties men in the vicinity.

The home of the pie...

Quote of the Day

"I want to win the Nobel Peace Prize - and I'm going to fight as hard as I can to make it happen" - Beaver-faced Brazilian Real Madrid footballer Ronaldo, who was arsing about outside when they were handing out brains.

Thursday, 23 February 2006

March the 20th

Try googling "March 20th" and see what comes up first in the list.

One for the diary lads.

Too much sects

Makes your eyes go funny... as does this pic if you look at it right...

I am zebra

Often bad tempered, they grow increasingly antisocial with age and once they bite, they tend not to let go.

I am a zebra.

Wednesday, 22 February 2006

Useful advice for those in court.

Yesterday, in a far flung corner of the blogosphere, I asked for advice on the proper decorum required if one has to appear in court.
I recieved many pointers on how to impress the judge and jury, and win a case, and have decided been told informed, that the precious knowledge should be blogged here for future reference.
So here it is*

"The clerk of the court should always be addressed in Latin."
"You can always get a laugh by asking the Judge 'Is that your real hair?'"
"It is acceptable practice, when the opposition calls a witness, to remark 'I've got something to call him. He's a wanker.'"
"A Mexican Wave is always a good way to get the jury on your side."
Asking people to swear their oath on the Jedi Handbook is a good tactic.*
*for convincing people you are mad
Holding a Bill-Guisarme to the defendant's throat while asking him to swear on the blood of Odin is another way to impress the court.
A couple of chants of 'You're Shit! And you know you are!' whenever the opposing council stands up, will also aid your cause.
Find out which football team the judge supports and make sure you have a copy of their latest programme poking out from your stack of documents...
"The law allows a maximum of sixteen hired goons to accompany you to court at any one time."
"All written submissions to the court MUST contain the word 'fellatio'."
"All female counsel should appear lightly oiled and must be personally inspected by the Lord Chancellor, who will post photographic evidence on hotbriefs.com within 28 days."
"There is a handy back door to the RCJ in Carey Street, should any of this advice become outdated."
Wearing a very low cut top, push up bra, and flirting with the judge is always recommended.
As a fan of Boston Legal I've surmised that William Shatner is a boon to any defence team.
"The most effective way of obtaining free legal representation in London is to hang around the public toilets at the corner of Lincoln's Inn with a camera, and it is only a matter of time before you have all the barristers you need."
All High Court judges have now seen "My Cousin Vinny" as part of their basic training, and will automatically award the case to the brief that does the best Joe Pecsi impersonation.
Don't forget, as the Judge enters the room, if the clerk doesn't do it first, it is implicit on the plaintiff to stand on a chair, point at the judge and recite a round of "here come de judge, here come de judge, ev'body know dat he is da judge", you will score many brownie points and instantly earn his honourable judge's everlasting respect and friendship.
Also at random intervals while your opponent is presenting their case its always a good idea to spring to your feet, thrust both hands on your hips and proclaim in a loud voice, "oooooh you liar, you bloody liar, I never did, I was on holiday that day", replace the word holiday with some other random event each time you do it, their case against you will collapse, mark my words.
Don't forget the daily "Open Mike" round where you are entitled to belt out any karaoke classic.The winner gets the judge's spot prize - a night's free accomodation! "I Fought the Law" by The Clash is a firm favourite, air guitar picks up extra kudos. "Angels", however, has been deemed contempt of court.
"Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay...". Say that a lot. It will work*.
*Not well.

Take ice skates. Because you never know.
Consult frequently with a sombre coloured sock puppet, and address all objections to the gavel that should be referred to as "Sir Jimmy".
Bonus points for use of the following words and phrases, double if you use them in the summing up:
"Have you seen my briefs?"
Spring up at random intervals and shout "I object!" Will be especially effective during your own testimony.
Telling the judge you're holding him/her in contempt of court is also an effective strategy*.
*For taking advantage of Her Majesty's fine accommodations.
Upon hearing the words;"The defence rests."
The correct rejoinder is; "He isn't resting. He's stone cold dead!"

Tell the one about 10,000 barristers at the bottom of the sea. That'll go down a treat.
If William Shatner is a boon to any defence, then - you - could - always trythatstrangewayoftalking - that - he - always...............uses.
Failing that, get Spock to mind-meld with you.

Don't forget to play the "Wronged Woman" card*. Wear black, a veil, and burst into tears at critical points. Answer questions pointing out that you are a wronged woman :
QC : You are Milicent Carruthers of 'Dunberserkin', Throat Cuttings, W9?
You: Yes, and I am a Wronged Woman, I am! (bursts into tears)
*Available from any of Her Majesty's Stationery Offices, 3.99, with a nice picture of a woman wearing black and a veil and "Wronged Woman" in gold lettering, clearly readable from the Jury
The Cheshire Cheese has a bar called the "Johnson" bar. This is where men go to get free representation by getting their johnson out*.
*not necessarily true**
**but worth a try

Bake the judge some biscuits...
Call your dog as your key witness. Don't worry if they're scared to come to court - they'll set up a video link for this very purpose.
The first person to get a whoopee cushion on the judge's seat wins a Mini Metro!
Remember: every Friday is Royal Courts of Justice "Dressing Down" day. All court participants are encouraged to attend in fancy dress. Best costume wins a Mini Metro!
Stare pointedly at the court artist and say "You're drawing my tits, aren't you? Stop drawing my tits!" You'll score loads of extra points in the weekly Win A Mini Metro award.

And let us not forget the true story of a line of questioning by prosecution...
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

*Blog Pie takes no responsibility for anybody who is stupid enough to follow any of this 'advice' and tries any of it in court. You won't be able to prove anything if you do try to take us to court anyway, as none of us are who we say we are, and we only exist as figments of your deranged imagination. So if you do go to court and get banged up, it's nowt to do wiv us guv' and if you try to pin anything on us, you'll be sleeping with the fish, 'sans kneecaps', capishe? So shut it you slag, right?

The Wrath of Pengor

" Where's my flippin' pie???"

Penguins + Pie


Stargazey Pie.

Send more fish, pie, money.



Tuesday, 21 February 2006


The price of Pie

Ever since I did a jokey petition on Scaryduck to force those bread-heads at Breville to bring back the Pie Magic, I've been getting a steady stream of e-mails from readers, pie campaigners and complete nutters. They're either trying to source one of their own ("Try Ebay"), offering tips on quality pie-making, or simply offering help in burning down the Breville factory.

Every day my mailbox offers more Breville-related pie woe, and I fear, thanks to the marvels of Google indexing that bring a steady stream of Kirstie Allsopp fetishists to my site, I am now the acknowledged world authority on pie-making machines.

I got another one today, a lengthy critique of the various pie-making appliances on the market and a request as to which one he should purchase. By the power of "ip-dip dog shit", I chose one for him.


The Man: Tracking Your Pie. No pie is safe from The Man.

Penguin Call-Me-Do

Monday, 20 February 2006



Baby penguin born in Isle of Wight Zoo

Honk!Born to the Pengy parents of poor, stolen, dead Toga.

I thought it was jolly decent of the Daily Mail to trawl their readers for a name for the cute ickle feathery bundle of fish-smelling joy. I cannot imagine, then, the true identity of "S Canard, Weymouth".

Concrete cows.

The planning agency which designed Milton Keynes has been handed the job of reshaping a city which is no stranger to adversity: Najaf, in Iraq.

Now, would Baghdad be best suited for rebuilding by

a) the designers of Basingstoke,
b) the company that built the Millennium dome,
c) the company that built the Millennium Falcon, or
d) Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen?

Poo Week

Can you imagine it? A whole week of poo!

Poo Week

Sunday, 19 February 2006

"Done a Poo"

It was only a matter of time... Another B3ta Question of the Week post, niced up for your delight. And the question is: "Slave Labour - How were you exploited as a child?"

I was paid to shovel shit.

Horse shit, at a local stables, for the princely sum of one pound a day. Kids who complained about so-called exploitation were told not to come back, "as there are plenty more young people out there who'd LOVE to work here with our wonderful horses". So, we wage slaves, thinking no further than where the next quarter of sherbert lemons was coming from, just kept our heads down and dug.

The stable owners bagged up all the crap we diligently mucked out of the stables and sold it to local gardeners for rather more than a pound a bag, a state of affairs we found distinctly unfair.

We vowed that something should be done. Something ironic.

I'd estimate then, that about 2 per cent of bags sold contained a genuine human poo, skillfully dumped by way of awful revenge. I'd love to see the state of their tomatoes.

Friday, 17 February 2006

Mssr. Paume-Velue!

A rose by any other name...

From an item on the CBC website - "... Ian Huggett, a local environmentalist... "

Pie Shop

The Pie Shop is a very popular cragging area close by South Lake Tahoe. Unlike many other climbing areas in the basin, Pie Shop is sunny and frequently climbable year-round.

The Pie Shop approach is easy and the quality of the climbing is good. There are a variety of both face and crack climbs. Pie Shop even boasts some of the best bouldering in Tahoe and the bouldering areas can be seen on the approach to the base of the cliffs.

Recommended Routes & Yosemite Decimal System Rating:

Crepes Corner 5.7
Clean Corner 5.8
Hands Masseuse 5.8




The pie TARDIS!

It's here!

Don't Panic (again)

Calm yourselves down, people. The chickens aren't going to kill us. Really, they're not.

It's the Iranians.

This booklet of mirth and woe came through your door twenty years ago. I hope you've still got it.

But look on the bright side. We'll certainly see off that pesky global waming. With a nuclear winter.

Pie stocks, unfortunately, may suffer in the medium term.

Thursday, 16 February 2006

Job opportunities

Don't Panic!

Look people. There's really nothing to get yourself worried about. Yes, we know there's a smidgeon of a problem with this H5N1 Avian Flu virus, but it's all completely under control, and not worth losing sleep over as a very small number of people around the road get over a case of the winter sniffles.

This "pandemic" thing is all the work of a few over-excited types at the Daily Express. Clear?

Reuters: How to bury your dead

On second thoughts - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! We're all gonna die!

Who makes the best pies? (Except us, of course).

Competition to find best Mountain Biker Friendly Pie Shop in the UK.

But why only the UK?

So, nominations for best pie shop in the world, please!

Wednesday, 15 February 2006

Happy You-Know-What to You-Know-Who


I reckon GW, Rikaitch, and Mr Scary sir should star in a remake of this film (clicky)

What do you lot reckon?

When headline writers go bad

First we had: Young Boys Wankdorf Erection Woe.

Then - a happy ending: Young Boys Wankdorf Erection Relief.

And now, those charming people at Setanta Sports stun the world with Brum promise internal Butt probe.

No wonder he's got that frown on his face.

Stuff on cats


Penguins: The hidden menace

Tuesday, 14 February 2006

Pie eating contest!

C'mahn! I'll take yez all on!

Play Lord of the Pies <-- clicky.

Here's lead in your pencil!

From Metro (I can't find this on the interweb**, so I think they just made it up!)
"Serbia: A would-be Casanova needed surgery after sticking a pencil into his penis to keep it stiff during sex. Zeljko Tupic had to call an ambulance when the pencil shifted and got stuck in his bladder. Surgeons successfully removed it*. Tupic, of Belgrade, told hospital staff he had never heard of Viagra."

I wonder, did he have a rubber on? Did he draw a crowd?

*The article doesn't say if the surgeons removed the pencil, the ambulance, the penis or his bladder.

**UPDATE - Gary J Wood (would) found a link to the story. Thanks Gary.

Humble pie...

I found this whilst picking through the hot embers that were my office...

Pie Hole

Clicky and sing along!

PS. Put speakers on first.

B3ta QOTW again, again

A promise is a promise. I'm so terribly, terribly sorry.

Further crimes to be taken into consideration

In my early days as a main-frame computer operator, I had a hot thing going with one of my female colleagues.

We found a "talk" facility on the system where we could send one-line messages to each other which would appear on the bottom line of our work-station screens.

So we did, often.

It was only after a couple of weeks of this that we were both taken to one side by the programmers and informed that the "talk" facility goes through the central console screen, and they could see every single message we had sent. Especially the one in which I expressed a desire to shoot red-hot man gravy on her heaving bazooms.

Furthermore, the central console log was printed off every day and handed to the IT manager for his private inspection, which, thankfully, he never, ever read.

They thanked us for the free entertainment and sent us on our way.

Excuse: It was the 1980s.

Blog Pie Nature Corner

We turn to the veterinary side of the animal kingdom for this installment. Sometimes little fluffy kitties eat things that aren't very good for their little fluffy tum-tums, i.e. the entire vole my last cat ate and was unable, oddly, to pass in the normal fashion.

Stubby, the devouring a whole vole whole cat

When that nasty occurrence ... occurs, for that is what occurrences do, one must turn to the miracles of modern veterinary medicine for a solution. Enter the Technos - manufactured by none other than Esaote Pie Medical. Yes! Pies are everywhere! But I digress...

This attractive little fellow just below is, in fact, a veterinary ultrasound (sonogram). An "... accurate high-speed Color Doppler supported by powerful Power Doppler (with directional capability) together with the unexpected speed of execution, the PC Windows NT® operating system and the total connectivity of DICOM®service classes will be at your disposal when you use Technos and its digital peripherals..." ultrasound, no less. Which would, properly employed, identify the nasty ickums upsetting kitty's delicate digestive process.

To whit... a cat scan... *

Murmph. (sound of barely stifled laughter)

*This joke may only work in North America. Translation available upon request.

Monday, 13 February 2006

Mmmm, more pie!

According to this quiz, I am...

find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com


A sweet pie concocted for children by a TV celebrity is one of the least healthy ever dreamed up, watchdogs warn.

The recipe makes use of copious quantities of whipped cream, several Snickers bars and was created to lure children into making unhealthy choices.

Mr Glitter was unavailable for comment.

B3ta Question of the Week, again

B3ta asked: "Have you ever been ratted on by your own computer? Google auto-complete got the better of you?"

My answer: What do you think?

Bang to rights. Rumbled by my own parents with the damning words "What the hell is 'MILF porn'"?

Any road up, the door swings both ways. If you've got a referrer tracker on your website, there are hours of endless fun to be had seeing what people have googled to reach your site.

My own personal favourite: "Lesbians getting fucked hard in a porno movie whilst looking at turds".

That must have been the article I wrote about lesbian turd-watching porn, obviously.

Sunday, 12 February 2006

"Want pie now"

A thought struck me whilst finishing off in the Thinking Room this evening. I flushed, washed my hands and headed straight for my PC.

Then, stopping only to pull up my trousers I write:

"How can we have a pie-themed blog without the acknowledged King of Pie?"

So: Pie.


Saturday, 11 February 2006


Picture of new interface card for ZX Spectrum

Blimey, I didn't know you could get USB2.0 on an electronic beermat.

We will not tolerate the non-pie eaters!

Death and Taxes

Heard this news item on the radio yesterday, and I nearly crashed the car with laughter:

"The government are warning people that they could be liable for taxes after their death and not know anything about it."

Neither know nor care, I should think. As J. Lennon once said, they'll even tax the pennies on your eyes.

Lego my borg

That noise? Just ignore that. You're just being assimilated. Now just hold still while we snap on the Blog-Pie eyepiece...

Lego my blog pie

I'm snowed in again. Help me.

Friday, 10 February 2006

Blog Pie Nature Corner - Friday Double Header

Pigs Fighting for Respect Pigs' personalities are distributed much like humans', according to patiently observant British researcher Niamh O'Connell (interviewed for a November story in London's Daily Telegraph). Except for the largest ones, pigs are of two types: pushy ones that always fight for food and choice sleeping space, and meek ones that avoid confrontations. According to O'Connell, the aggressive ones have higher stress levels and make poorer parents, and besides, they ultimately lose out when they challenge the alpha pigs. [MSNBC from BBC News, 11-30-05]

The Blog Pie Nature Corner.

Welcome again to the Blog Pie Nature Corner. Today, we shall be looking into the life and habits of a rare, and terrifying wild beast, the Pascha Cuniculus, commonly known as the Easter Bunny.
This elusive creature is thought to mainly inhabit wildlands, called Shopping Centres, and survives mainly on humans, who are either to weak or tired to defend themselves, and have managed to stray from their packs, known as 'Shoppers'.
Pascha Cuniculus, was thought in the past to only show itself for a couple of weeks per year, maximum, when the season was right for it to blend in with Easter Foliage and so, which it would use as camouflage whilst lying in wait for its prey. But now, due to climate change and global warming, the Easter season has been known to start as early as January, with the first signs, such as Creme Eggs, sprouting on shelves at the beginning of the month.
Occasionally, Pascha Cuniculus will adorn itself with a variety of bows, and carry a small basket laden with chocolate droppings, in order to tempt the unwary into its trap.
if you should spot one of these savage beasts, your best defence is to either run as fast as you can away from it, (check you have a clear escape route first) or to lie flat on the ground covering as much of your face as possible, as this might convince the bunny that you are already dead, and therefore not as much fun to attack.
Signs that an Easter Bunny is around, include small scraps of tin foil scattered around pellets of dropping that smell of chocolate, blood splatters on the floor and walls of shopping malls, and bare bones with large pointy teeth marks gouged into them strewn around the locale.

We hope you have enjoyed this visit to Nature Corner. Come back soon!

Scaryduck’s ‘Did You Know...?’ No. 381

Popeye the Sailor Man is not actually a sailor; and as a result of mental scars resulting from a bizarre bathtub accident at the age of three, has never been near a boat.

He only dresses in the sailor outfit because of his deep admiration of the Village People.

Thursday, 9 February 2006


There may have been others that have done so already, but I've just spotted the first Blogroll link to this site, yaaaaaaaaay!
(clicky to biggy)
Thank you, Tom!


I don't know if anybody's noticed or not, but the template has changed and a rather snazzy Logo has been added.
Any thoughts or comments?

Yak Cymreig

After seeing everyone else have mirth over Yak talking Shakespeare, I decided to see how it copes with Welsh. So here for your amusement is the route from Aberystwyth to Caernarfon in the AA route planner. Enjoy.

Start out at Aberystwyth,Ceredigion
Bronglais General Hospital (AandE)
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Bow Street
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Llandre
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Talybont
Bear left onto the A487. Entering Taliesin
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Tre-R-Ddol
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Furnace
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Eglwysfach
Bear left onto the A487. Entering Glandyfi
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Derwenlas
At roundabout take the 1st exit onto the A487 (signposted Dolgellau)
Continue forward onto Heol Pentrerhedyn - A487. Entering Machynlleth
Cross River Dovey then bear right (signposted Dolgellau)
Bear right onto the A487. Entering Pantperthog
Bear right onto the A487. Entering Corris
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Corris Uchaf
At T-junction turn left onto the A470 (signposted Dolgellau)
Bear right onto the A470. Entering Llanelltyd
Continue forward onto the A470. Entering Ganllwyd
Continue forward onto the A470. Entering Bronaber
Continue forward onto the A470. Entering Trawsfynydd
Bear right onto the A487. Entering Maentwrog
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Tan-Y-Bwlch
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Penrhyndeudraeth
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Minffordd
Continue forward onto High Street - A487. Entering Porthmadog
At roundabout take the 2nd exit onto High Street - A487 (signposted Caernarfon)
Continue forward onto Church Street - A487. Entering Tremadog
At T-junction turn left (signposted Caernarfon)
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Penmorfa
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Dolbenmaen
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Bryncir
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Pantglas
At roundabout take the 2nd exit onto the A487 (signposted Caernarfon)
Entering Penygroes
Continue forward onto the A487. Entering Bontnewydd
At roundabout take the 2nd exit onto Ffordd Bont Saint - A487
Continue forward onto Ffordd Bont Saint - A487. Entering Caernarfon

Yak now has a hernia. *snigger*


A b3ta Question of the Week shamelessly cut-and-pasted here for a cheap laugh

What situations in your life, asks B3ta, have you found accidentally/inappropriately erotic?

Here's a handy hint:

Mid-afternoon boredom is a terrible thing. Thussly, it is neither big nor clever to get a lob-on on the first day of a week-long first aid course, particularly when your instructor is wearing a far-too-tight nurse's uniform, which your somewhat drowsy attention has settled on following a liquid lunch.

It is also best to make sure you attend this course wearing ...um... robust trousers, and not that pair of jeans with the dodgy fly that comes undone at the drop of a nurse's hat. This advice will save you from one thing: woe.

This kind of woe to be precise: The woe that comes from at least four days of ribbing from said instructor, when, after a triumphant go on the Resusci-Anne doll you stand in front of the entire class, your manly bulge is proudly on display.

"For a small fee", she said, "I'll let you take her home tonight."

Woe, indeed.

Word clouds...

Even more yak.

I'm sorry, but I can't stop giggling at the nice, robot lady reading out these posts, and I really want to see how she copes with this pome.

Jabberwocky, by Lewis Carroll
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mame raths outgrabe.
'Beware the Jabberwock, my son,
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch.
Beware the jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious bandersnatch.'
He took his vorpal sword in hand;
Long time the manxome foe he sought.
Then rested he by the tum-tum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One! two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snickersnack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
'And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjious day! Calooh! Calay!'
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Again, I'm sorry. I'll stop posting gibberish soon, honest, but I can't stop laughing... *giggle*

Is Curry's any better?

Comet Dust arrives at UK lab for testing.

Samples of dust found on the keyboards of computers displayed at the Eastleigh branch of Comet have been sent to the forensic labs at Scotland Yard for analysis. It is suspected that the dust comes from a late-night shopper who spends far too much time hanging around the store's computer display area. The electrical super-giant has defended itself saying that the dust is "merely the result of bad housekeeping" and has pledged to clean up the keyboards in all it's stores, as well as training sales staff to approach the customers rather than just lurking out of sight and giggling.

Wednesday, 8 February 2006

Beelzebub's Own Badgers!

Welcome to Blog Pie's Nature Corner. Here we see two excellent specimens of the Badigerous Beelzebus. Known for their ferocious hunting techniques and complete and utter lack of a soul, these creatures from Hades have cleverly formed a very successful (for them) symbiotic relationship with the Homo Sapien Stupidicus (commonly known as "cat owners"). Watch them in their native habitat as they systematically drain their human hosts of time and money whilst shredding expensive furnishings. Also known for their sophisticated and impossible to detect method of consuming human brains. Human victims can only be identified by their incontrollable urge to utter the following phrase, "Aw! Isn't that cute!" If you find yourself in close proximity to a beelzebub's badger and other humans begin speaking those words, protect your brain by removing yourself from the premises immediately.

Oops! That's all for now... must. go. feed. cat. It's. so. cute...

Talking of Shakespeare

I'm not as cultured as you lot, so here's my contribution

Shakespeare with holes...

(can you guess what's coming???)

No holes bard.

Wa Ankehoo...

Islamic marriage guidance.


"When a man approaches his wife, he is guarded by two angels and [at that moment in Allah's views] he is like a warrior fighting for the cause of Allah. When he has intercourse with her, his sins fall like the leaves of the tree [in fall season]. When he performs the major ablution, he is cleansed from sins."

"Times when Sexual Intercourse is Makruh (disliked):

i. During frightful natural occurrences, e.g., eclipse, hurricane, earthquake;
ii. From sunset till maghrib;
ii. From dawn till sunrise;
iii. The last three nights of lunar months;
iv. Eve of the 15th of every lunar month;
v. Eve of 10th Zil-hijjah;
vii. After becoming junub.

B. Recommended Days and Times for Sex.
We have certain ahadith, which say that it is better to have sexual intercourse at these times:

i. Sunday night;
ii. Monday night;
iii. Wednesday night;
iv. Thursday noon;
v. Thursday night;
vi. Friday evening;
vii. Whenever the wife wants to have sex.

C. When is it Obligatory to have Sex?
It is wajib on man to have sex with his wife at least once in every four months; this is considered as one of the conjugal rights of the wife. This obligation stays in force unless there is a valid excuse or the wife waives her right."


More Yak.

Apologies for this post, but I can't stop giggling at the 'nice robot lady' and I just have to put up a pome I wroted ages ago, just to hear her read it to me. I have one of those Magnetic Poetry Kits, Shakespearian edition, and the following was made from it...

Yon Winter Codpiece
Yon winter codpiece, like loathsome poison shall torment thee vile spot.
Methinks mischance dost seek thine saucy goblet.
Wicked, wanton, perilous belch thou hath perchance slandered thy melancholy, bawdy bosom.
Jest drunkard, damn well question nothing!
I beseech you, woo herein discontent, though always sanctify vehemence.
Merry wilt idle ghost speak through knowing, lazy measure,
Vouchsafe vulgar breast doth dream foul fortune.
Mortal lover that curse bestow'st envy of yonder wench, hadst naught my mercy warrenteth.
Aye, farewell drunk peasant, make the trifle!
Therefore forswear seemly villain,
Lest night deceive dire death.

And let's see how she copes with it then shall we?

Talking of Scary's gun... Are You About to Be Fired?

10 signs of impending doom...

You are asked to compile a report on all your ongoing projects.
You are pushed hard to finish one or two specific projects.
You are encouraged not to do your usual long-term planning.
You're neither informed of nor invited to meetings.
You receive a critical review for the first time.
Your expense reports are questioned.
Your typical expenditures are criticized.
Your direct superior keeps his or her distance from you.
Conversation stops when you enter a room.
You have a vague sense of unease.

If you checked one or none your job is probably safe for the near future. But don't let that lull you into complacency. This is the best time to start your job-fishing efforts, since you've earned enough time to rely primarily on long-term efforts.

If you checked two to five your job is in danger. Your boss is laying the groundwork to terminate you at a time of his or her choosing, though it may not be for weeks or months. This is the time to accelerate your job-fishing efforts, both short- and long-term.

If you checked more than five you're already fired . . . you just don't know it yet. The decision has been finalized, and you're just a "dead man walking." Unless you've got enough money in the bank to keep you and your family afloat for six months, find yourself a stream of income as soon as possible. It will be easier to get another job while you've still got this one.


Scary new Al-Qaeda innovations hit the streets:

A search of Finsbury Park mosque, in north London, also led to the discovery of forged passports, CS gas, knives, guns capable of firing blanks and tents.

Want one! I want a tent-firing gun. Imagine how simple it would make camping. I imagine a long-range version actually sets up an entire camp-site hours before you reach it.

It's pleasing to see a grateful nation rewarding A. Hamza with a rock-hard prison bumming.

Also: I've been capable of firing blanks since last August. I hope the police don't raid me.

The first truly terrible post...

In a pub, a man feeds his coins into the cigarette machine, but instead of producing a pack of 16, the machine says to him, "Sod off, ashtray, you stink of fags and you shouldn't smoke anyway because you're too fat."

Astonished, the man returns to his seat at the bar and signals to the landlord. As the landlord approaches, the man takes a couple of nuts from a bowl on the bar, only to hear from the bowl, "Great shirt, mate. And I see you've got that new mobile everyone's on about - cool!"

Now freaked, the man says to the landlord, "I'm not being funny, but I've just been insulted by the fag machine and now this bowl of nuts is saying nice things to me."

"Don't worry, sir" says the landlord. "The cigarette machine is out of order but the peanuts are complimentary."

Tuesday, 7 February 2006


I've found a new thing, and I can guarantee that it will get on your tits within a week.

Click on the link at the bottom of this - or any - post on this site, and a nice robot lady will read it out to you.

Naturally, I've only installed it to see if it can handle swears. So, here we go.

Tits. Arse. Bollocks. Flanges. Twunt. Noel Edmonds. Poo.

Proof positive.

My New Car

Just won on ebay in the last half an hour for £61.

much chuffedness

*update 18:15*
The car's been stolen, so I haven't got it :(

much heinousness