The first truly terrible post...

In a pub, a man feeds his coins into the cigarette machine, but instead of producing a pack of 16, the machine says to him, "Sod off, ashtray, you stink of fags and you shouldn't smoke anyway because you're too fat."

Astonished, the man returns to his seat at the bar and signals to the landlord. As the landlord approaches, the man takes a couple of nuts from a bowl on the bar, only to hear from the bowl, "Great shirt, mate. And I see you've got that new mobile everyone's on about - cool!"

Now freaked, the man says to the landlord, "I'm not being funny, but I've just been insulted by the fag machine and now this bowl of nuts is saying nice things to me."

"Don't worry, sir" says the landlord. "The cigarette machine is out of order but the peanuts are complimentary."