Worried by hoodie-wearing youths?
Are you worried by gangs of hoodie-wearing youths hanging about the end of your street when all you wanted to do was lawfully go about your business buying a pint of milk from the corner shop?
Are you intimidated by the sight of two young people walking down the road towards you?
Do you live in fear of being mugged by a teenage yob?
Been hassled by a Charver or been the victim of a Happy Slapping?
Well, take my advice. It is a well known fact (of the 100% true variety*) that all teenagers sit in their bedrooms, take drugs and get drunk whilst transfixed by a television programme known as "Buffy The Vampire Slayer". The subliminal messages encoded into the programme by the US government causes the teenage mind to believe wholesale in the existence of vampires.
Thusly, in order to protect yourself from attack by a teenager, you simply wear a pair of false vampire fangs. In the event of an assault, quickly slap a Cornish Pasty** on your forehead, raise your arms in the classic "Nosferatu" style and hiss or growl loudly.
This will shock the aggressor into believing that you have transformed into a bloodthirsty creature of the night and they will scarper.
The only exception to this, of course, is if the aggressor has long, blonde hair, looks kind of cute in a pair of tight trousers and is accompanied by a group of friends wielding a book of magic and a bag of stakes. In this situation, you should relax because these are the "good guys" and will not attack you, unless their eyes flash with, say, evil green fire, which may indicate that they have fallen under some demonic 'fluence. This would be an extremely rare occurrence however.
So, the lesson is to be prepared!
And the best bit is that if you don't get attacked on the way home, you can always eat the pasty in celebration of your survival on the mean streets of today.
*from the British Office of Lies, Liars, Untruths and eXaggerations (BOLLUX for short).
** for absolute authenticity of disguise, a Devon Pasty should be used, as the crimp is on the top. Do not attempt to use a Mars Bar or other ridged chocolate product in place of a bakery item, as this will only make you look a little bit like a Klingon and invite a challenge of "Kupla!" from any sad, single mid-thirties/early forties men in the vicinity.
Are you intimidated by the sight of two young people walking down the road towards you?
Do you live in fear of being mugged by a teenage yob?
Been hassled by a Charver or been the victim of a Happy Slapping?
Well, take my advice. It is a well known fact (of the 100% true variety*) that all teenagers sit in their bedrooms, take drugs and get drunk whilst transfixed by a television programme known as "Buffy The Vampire Slayer". The subliminal messages encoded into the programme by the US government causes the teenage mind to believe wholesale in the existence of vampires.
Thusly, in order to protect yourself from attack by a teenager, you simply wear a pair of false vampire fangs. In the event of an assault, quickly slap a Cornish Pasty** on your forehead, raise your arms in the classic "Nosferatu" style and hiss or growl loudly.
This will shock the aggressor into believing that you have transformed into a bloodthirsty creature of the night and they will scarper.
The only exception to this, of course, is if the aggressor has long, blonde hair, looks kind of cute in a pair of tight trousers and is accompanied by a group of friends wielding a book of magic and a bag of stakes. In this situation, you should relax because these are the "good guys" and will not attack you, unless their eyes flash with, say, evil green fire, which may indicate that they have fallen under some demonic 'fluence. This would be an extremely rare occurrence however.
So, the lesson is to be prepared!
And the best bit is that if you don't get attacked on the way home, you can always eat the pasty in celebration of your survival on the mean streets of today.
*from the British Office of Lies, Liars, Untruths and eXaggerations (BOLLUX for short).
** for absolute authenticity of disguise, a Devon Pasty should be used, as the crimp is on the top. Do not attempt to use a Mars Bar or other ridged chocolate product in place of a bakery item, as this will only make you look a little bit like a Klingon and invite a challenge of "Kupla!" from any sad, single mid-thirties/early forties men in the vicinity.
posted by Anonymous at 2/24/2006 09:45:00 am
1 Crumbs:
What if you have long blonde hair and look kind of cute in a pair of leather trousers?
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